PART 2

Well, with another boring day stuck in Flagstaff, AZ I have made time to review more chain establishments that I have visited. I set out today to enjoy Jack in the Box once again, those Jumbo Jacks are addicting. As I approached the restaurant, I was suddenly turned off. No, it wasn't the health department, dirty conditions, or even spoiled food. There was some asshole who needed a haircut outside the place playing an acoustic guitar. Yes, right next to the entry door to Jack, here sat Mr. Guitar on the walkway. What kind of an asshole sits outside a fast food restaurant at high noon simply to play a fucking guitar? I am not sure if he wanted tips, or was hoping to get signed today as if the head of Universal Records would be eating at a fucking Jack in the Box in the middle of the desert. Sure, I could have passed into the door and ignored him, but why should my fine meal be ruined by having to hear this shit? So, with the whole afternoon to spare, I kept going to the next Jack about 2 miles up the road. I found another place to eat, and will save Jack for tomorrow. God help that kid if he is there tomorrow, because Reinhold and I both agreed it would be worth $100 to see someone smash that guitar over his head like that wrestler used to do. On with the reviews!

8. Fazoli's- Real Italian, Fast!
Or as so their slogan goes, real Italian fast! Hard to imagine Italians fresh off the boat in the kitchen of this place cooking authentic dishes of Italy for $7.00 an hour, but hey, stranger shit has happened. I have eaten here before, the place is exactly how you would think of a fast-paced Olive Garden. The interior has your standard beverage bar complete with flowers and other shit to make you think you are in Italy. Dishes consist of pizza, spaghetti, lasagna, and other favorites that you love. I have eaten the pizza, my traveling companion had the sampler, which she said was good. The pizza is decent, just around the quality you get from Olive Garden. The main reason to go here are the breadsticks, and how unlimited they are! They are soft and garlicy, kind of like Jim Moriarity's penis, well at least the soft part. They are better than OG's, they are fresh constantly and have an amazing balance of butter and garlic. As you wait for your number to be called, a schlep walks around to give out breadsticks, plus you get them with your meal, and you can walk back to the couter for as many as you want! Last sitting, I had 14 breasticks, and I was tempted to take some off another table since the family left. Bottom line here, if you are happy with Olive Garden, you will be happy at Fazoli's. Unless you are Mr. Italy, Vinny Crosta, you will agree the meal is worth your $6.

9. Steak and Shake
Picture the atmosphere of a clean Denny's (which might be non-existant in the US) combined with actually good food. No, there isn't actual steak there, but you get a steak burger, which is as good as it sounds. Steak and Shakes are in the midwest and North Carolina for some ungodly reason. The trash of NC should not get the priviledge of such a fine establishment, hell they should be happy with NASCAR burgers cooked out of a trash can. You can get a single, double, or triple steak burger, which is ground beef formed into patty form, but higher quality than a standard hamburger. You can do the cheese or bacon for toppings, but be sure to get at least a double since the patties are thin. Steakburgers aren't the half of this place, you get real shoestring french fries and real milkshakes. Not the kind that Ronnel has the balls to call a milkshake, but real ice cream and milk put through an actual blender! Fresh cut shoestrings compliment any meal, and they are fresh. You can almost smell the Idaho air with each bite. They are open 24 hours, and you can get breakfast or supper at any time of day. Prices are reasonable too, so if you come across a Steak and Shake, be sure to pull in!

10. El Pollo Loco
Senor Dave here breaks that translation down to The Crazy Chicken! Boy, this place sure is crazy. Who would think to combine a Mexican grill with KFC, and a Taco Hell to make one good restaurant? Their speciality is chicken, and the chickens are cooked over huge open grills that you can see from the counter. It is fresh, the chickens look as if they were clucking around yesterday in the parking lot. You can get your standard 2 piece meal with corn on the cob and french fries. Fries are standard fast food taste, but the corn tastes fresh too! Pre-buttered for your convenience, and wrapped in impossible to open yellow bags. Biscuits are missing here, and would have really made the meal. However, in leiu of biscuits, they have Churros! Yeah, the kind you get at Great Adventure, but these don't require you to break your fillings or take out a second mortgage to afford. You get two fresh cooked Churros for $0.99! Viva the savings! If two Churros for under a dollar does not get you hard, you need Viagara. There are other burrito-type meals, but the menu revolves around the fresh chicken, as it should. I am not a chicken kind of guy, when I go to The Colonel or wherever, I get the strips or popcorn chicken. These whole chicken pieces really tasted good, I was surprised how good chicken can taste when it isn't over-processed to hell to mold into a strip or popcorn form.

11. Sizzler
Sizzlers used to be everywhere in NJ. There were Sizzler steakhouses in Brick, Howell, Eatontown, and all over NJ. Sizzler used to be good and popular back in the 1970's and early 1980's. That was when people ate meat and steak, not the faggy vegetarian crap places serve these days. Steakhouses were all the rage back then, we had Ponderosas, Bonanzas, and Sizzlers. All were dark, and were western-themed. They ruled, and I still remember the Ponderosa in the mall, and the Bonanza where Tiffany's is today. You took your tray, walked down a long hallway, and stared at pictures of perfectly-cooked steaks. You ordered your size and how you wanted it cooked. The best part of these places were how you got the salad/buffet bar with your meal. You could have a little girly lettuce, or move for some tacos, potato halves, or rolls as you wait for your delicious steak to arrive. Sure, there might have been a token chicken dish, or something to satisfy broads and vegetarians, but who payed attention to it because being vegetarian wasn't cool back then. If you (Jim Moriarity) walked into a Ponderosa and ordered chicken or just the salad bar in 1984, the manager would bring out a live steer from the back and have you perform anal sex on the animal for being such a pansy. Oh well, those days, much like my love life, are gone forever. We decided to re-visit a Sizzler out in California just to see what has changed. Prices are higher, but the concept has not changed. I ordered my steak, and took to the buffet/salad area to scout out some pre-steak food. There were no potato wedges and no corn fritters, which almost brought a tear to my eye. You call this a Sizzler? I wanted to kick the manager in the crotch for such a lack of food choices. The rolls were fresh, and the giant vat of whipped butter spread over my rolls like it was going out of style. The steak was a little dissapointing. It was not cooked a full medium, and I didn't have the balls to send it back to have a bunch of $3.00/ hour mexicans spit and rub one out on it. Come to mention, that might have helped the flavor of this overpriced hunk of meat, which used to be my nickname in college. If there was a basketball hoop outside, I would have dribbled my steak there to shoot three pointers. Well, Sizzler isn't once the mighty player in the steak field that she used to be. I still haven't found a better chain steak dump than Longhorns. Oh well, I ate my $20 worth in self-serve ice cream to make up for the sub-par steak. Sizzlers can sizzle out of my life if this is how they are going to feed me.

12. Long John Silver's (LJS)
I fucking hate fish and seafood. I hate the smell of it, I hate the look of it, and I hate the taste of it. I even am scared that crabs will bite my ball bag when I am in the ocean. So, what the hell would I be doing in a fast-food fish place? The answer lies in Chicken Planks and hush puppies. Long John Silver's has these chicken strips that are named Chicken Planks. Yeah, fish, boats, planks, you get the dry humor here. The plank is a larger cut of chicken strip, which is batter fried. Not many places batter fry stuff, but they use the same crispy batter for their fish planks. The chicken itself is not very flavorful, but it doesn't have to be with the award-winning taste of the coating. You also get fries, which are nothing special, and hush puppies. Hush puppies are hard to explain, you just have to eat one to understand. It is the kind of thing that either you love or hate, and you will know it right away. They are about the size of a munchkin, and feature a spicy cornbread kind of dough in the middle of a fried outer covering. Truly a gem in this sea of boring fast food fries and mozzarella sticks. You can get corn on the cob, two for $1.29, and I could not pass up such a value. The corn comes hot, but without butter. In the bottom of the basket of chicken/fish planks that you get, LJS leaves some crunchy scraping things. It sounds gross, but they aren't. Imagine cleaning out the bottom of a fryer, and all the little scraps left they put in the bottom of your basket. A wonderful idea, and a good way to save on wasted food. This particluar Long John's was co-branded with a Taco Hell, so I had to look and smell that dog food. I guess a more adventureous individual could make a fish/shrimp/bean burrito that would give you the shits for a week. Not for me, I have my own digestive problems getting the fryer scrapings down without heart pains. Long John Silver's exists in parts of the country with no access to fresh seafood, hence none in NJ. There might be a few co-branded spots out on Route 130 in Burlington County, since normal people wouldn't eat seafood out of the Delaware river. If you are a seafood person and live in NJ, I am sure frozen, fast food seafood would not meet your fancy. The hush puppies and chicken planks are worth a stop if you come across one. Ahoy mates!

13. Golden Corral
Oh my, what can I say about the Corral? If given the choice for a Golden Corral in Toms River, NJ or sex with hot broads, I might have to choose the former. For a minute, think variety (not quality) of Old Country Hellhole combined with a real steakhouse, that is just the tip of the Golden Corral. It is a buffet restaurant, with a steakhouse in the buffet! You get steak, as many as you can eat, along with all the other food for under $10. Now, this isn't your standard asshole steak, these are real cuts of beef cooked on a real grill right in front of you. Fair warning, use the lesson you learned in my Shakey's review, and do the hover around the steak area. Fat asses here will smell a fresh batch of steak put into the tray from clear across Iowa. The Corral also has every other kind of food you could think of on their buffet. Plus, a real bakery that makes fresh rolls and cookies. As part of your dining experience, the waitstaff brings out honey-buttered rolls to your table, which might just be the best kind roll ever baked. The food is surprisingly good, not what you would expect from a $10 buffet place. Breakfast buffet is served on weekends, but I have yet to experience it, however I have heard it is just as good as supper. Now, for dessert, you get your choice of fresh cookies and pies and what not. But, the gold lies in the soft serve ice cream machine. They have orange and vanilla twist in the machine, the kind you get on the boardwalk that costs you $30 for a small cone. They should have tissues in the men's room so you can masturbate after the meal. Yeah, the Corral is that fucking good!

Originally Posted: 16 February 2006