PART 1

With the excitement of traveling comes the fun of eating on the road. You have 2 choices, the first being the safe bet and sticking to the chain dumps. Option number 2 is venturing into the local establishments run by fine local people. I opted for number 1, and seizing the opportunity to dine at good chains that we do not have back home. This is my review of the places I dined at. I am not a food critic, but then again, I am not much of anything these days! Here we go!

1. Carl's Jr.
This place is the parent company of Hardee's, so if you eat Hardee's you pretty much have tasted Carl's Jr. Carl makes a slightly better burger, the one that Paris Hilton was getting all soapy and wet over in the commercials. It offers a good flavor for a chemically produced charl-broiled taste. The "$6 burger" ended up costing me about $8.75 for the combo, but I made up the difference in a bounty of katsup packets. Speaking of Hardee's, this reminded me a few years ago when I stopped at one just outside Chicago on the Indiana side. I asked if they had Roast Beef, which was Hardee's flagship menu item until Carl took them over. The clerk looked at me as if I had just impregnated her. Then I blew her mind to inquire for a biscuit. Oh well, I was shit out of luck

2. In-N-Out Burger
This place is a legend out west. They are famous for their simple menu. It features Burger, Cheeseburger, double patties, Fries, and drinks. No pussy salads, no faggy chicken choices, no sissy mexican-themed trendy shit, just beef and potatoes. This is a man's restaurant, the kind that would make asshole vegetarians like Jim Moriarity be forced to sit and eat nothing. There is a "secret" menu that floats around the internet which features special ways to prepare the burgers, and special toppings. Not for me, I like my burger just meat and bun. There are no sizes for fries, you just get a good helping with your burger for $1.75 more. The food was good, maybe not as legendary as the hype leads you to believe, but leaps and bounds over Ronnel, King, and The Christ.

3. Jack In The Box
Jack used to be out on the east coast, a long time ago, well before I was aware enough to eat there. Go ask your parents, they will probably have stories of eating Jack's tacos by the bagful for a dollar, or a blow job. Jack almost didn't make it, with the e-coli scare back in the 1990's. Many restaurants closed, and the company was on the verge of bankruptcy. Then Jack came back, and he became the first fast food place to ensure clean behind the scenes so the e-coli wouldn't happen again. Jack's burgers remind me of elementary school hamburgers, but in a good way. His fries are the kind that still has some of the skin on, and I like that in a fry. Jack has chicken strips, which are as close to the old school Friendly's that I have been able to find. The chicken strips Friendly's has now are dog food. The good ones were the thin, crunchy batter dipped ones that were sold prior to the current strips. Oh well, Jack rules all around. He also sells 2 tacos for $0.99, which would make Pedro Escobar one happy mexican! Jack's other selling point with me is his total disregard for the breakfast/lunch cutoff. I can get a Jumbo Jack at 8 AM, or a breakfast platter at 8 PM. Go Jack, I mean how many times have you walked into Ronnel at 10:15 and wanted lunch, but he forces those fucking hotcakes on you like nobody's business. On a side note, Jack is making a comeback, he has resurfaced in NC & SC, so maybe he is sliding his way back up the eastern seaboard. If we see Jack in NJ, I will masturbate in the drive-through speaker to celebrate.

4. Del Taco
If my Spanish serves me correctly, the translation becomes "Of The Taco." Not sure how that works, but this place sells more than tacos! There is a full menu of diarrhea-looking mexican dishes, the kind that you know will be sending you to the deucer blowing it up. They have burgers, and crinkle-cut fries, similar to the Castle's. The burgers are thin, so better make it a double to get some taste there. The fries are fresh and cooked to consistancy, which delivers a potatoey flavor that is not found in today's fast food dumps. The tacos are just around Taco Hell quality, which means adequate at best. Pedro could make better tacos blindfolded and on dope than Taco Hell can. But, for $0.59 I would lose money by not eating them. The good thing is how you can get a huge cup of fries for $1.79. Del Taco also throws that breakfast/lunch cutoff out the window just like my buddy Jack. I enjoyed a fine meal of Burgers, Tacos, and Fries with a Diet Coke at 9AM! The downside to Del Taco is their katsup. They use Hunt's katsup. If you don't really like katsup, or don't pay attention to it, you wouldn't notice. Hunts tastes like a diseased cunt compated to Heinz. Oh well, it wasn't all that bad, I still like the place. Next time, you might want to bring your own bottle of katsup if you want the true experience. Hell, bring a roll of 2-ply if you want to be adventureous and get a bean burrito with bacon and white shit or what have you. Open 24 hours, and provided many a meals for me.

5. Sonic, America's Drive-In
What can you say about Sonic! Anyone who travels, loves Sonic. Ask around, people know about it. Why are they the only fast food dump to sell tater tots and fries? Is it that hard to understand that people need variety in their life, and tater tots would provide an escape for many individuals. Sonic has it all, and I mean it all! Burgers, Chicken, Salads, Fish, Tots, and a bounty of drinks and desserts. You can get milkshakes, floats, blasts, and a cherry limeade with real cherries and limes that almost beats sex. Here is what sucks about Sonic if you never been there. You MUST eat in your car, because the theme is the old-school drive ins with carhops. You read the menu, press the red button, and place your order. Then 5 minutes later someone brings your food in bags to your car. You now have to eat like an asshole in your car, which pales in comparison to a fancy plastic dining room table. The food is so good, you suck it up and eat in your car just to eat it. Last check of the Sonic website states they are looking to franchise in the southern/central NJ area! Some investors should step up to the plate here and open some in the Ocean County area. You are guaranteed to make money here, the food IS that good at Sonic! In the summer, you could have hot broads bring your food in bras and panties, and call it Slutty Sonic. Guys would just pull in and order food only to throw it out just for the view. Oh well, Sonic is one of my favorites, even if fat men bring it to my car.

6. Shakey's (Ye-Old Pizza Parlor)
My first visit to Shakey was last year in Janesville, WI. Yes, the guy who founded it was really named Shakey. The Janesville location probably wasn't the best food, but I saw promise and read the reviews of others. Shakey is a blast from the past, like an old time english pub. The one in California was more modern, but still the same theme. Shakey is a pizza buffet, all the time. Lunch or supper, you get the buffet at a fair price. In addition to pizza, Shakey offers you garlic bread, mojo potatoes, full salad bar, macaroni, fried chicken, corn, veggies, and some other weird shit that I didn't touch. Mojo potatoes are a revelation, they are potatoes sliced and fried like a french fry, but round and/or oval. They taste good, and beat the pants off your standard fast food dump's fries. Some Shakey's have beer, and others have an ice cream machine, it varies. Just walk in there with your game face on, because you WILL battle the scum of society. When a fresh pizza goes up, or a new batch of Mojo potatoes the fat-asses come out of the woodwork. These fat fucks take the tables right next to the buffet, so they can watch when shit comes out. You have to do the hover around the buffet when you want something, so you can beat the fatties at their own game. They are too fat and lazy to stand and wait, so you will get first grabs before they put their fat fingers in there and contaminate the batch. If you don't see the pizza you want, you can request them to make it. Usually they will, and they will call you when it is done so you CAN get first stab. Most of the time by the time you get up there, all that's left is pineapple, avacado, and ejaculate pizza. So, it is good to hover and/or special request for your optimum Shakey experience. Even better is to get there at doors open (11AM) and get the close tables, so you can watch the new food coming out. Shakey has plans for national expansion, but interest isn't too popular among east coast investors.

7. Winchell's Doughnut House
Old man Winchell opened doughnut shops in Cali to raise money to buy race horses. Old man Winchell is long dead, but his shops prosper on the west coast. Winchell's is home to the Warm N' Fresh Doughnut. I guess it is a safe dance around the Krispy Kreme trademark. There is even a light that tells you when they are coming out of the oven, wow a new concept! The doughnuts are similar to Dunkin' Donuts where as they are a cake-based doughnut, unlike KK's that use yeast. Winchell's kills DD, and the shops are mainly older looking. The night we went there was a homeless guy wearing trash bags who entered as we were ordering. He entered, looked around, left, then came back in. He has a trash bag tied around his head, which was his makeshift hood. I wanted to scream Hefty, Hefty, Hefty, like on the Family Guy, but I was not in the mood to rumble. The bum just came in, and sat a table. Perhaps he was going to dine on doughnut crumbs from the floor and sweet & low packets. Good for him, but he knew not to ask me for change, since Rabbi's spend money more often than I do. Bottom line is Winchell's beats Dunkin in doughnuts, not coffee, but Dunkin Donuts really aren't west of the Mississippi river yet, so we will have to settle. On a side note, I hate Dunkin because of how they misspell the word "Doughnut". I hate those marketing grammar people who think it is cute. No, it is stupid, and only makes your company appear to be a bunch of idiots who can't find a dictionary.

Originally Posted: 15 February 2006