PART 1

With the excitement of traveling comes the fun of eating on the road. You have 2 choices, the first being the safe bet and sticking to the chain dumps. Option number 2 is venturing into the local establishments run by fine local people. I opted for number 1, and seizing the opportunity to dine at good chains that we do not have back home. This is my review of the places I dined at. I am not a food critic, but then again, I am not much of anything these days! Here we go!

1. Carl's Jr.
This place is the parent company of Hardee's, so if you eat Hardee's you pretty much have tasted Carl's Jr. Carl makes a slightly better burger, the one that Paris Hilton was getting all soapy and wet over in the commercials. It offers a good flavor for a chemically produced charl-broiled taste. The "$6 burger" ended up costing me about $8.75 for the combo, but I made up the difference in a bounty of katsup packets. Speaking of Hardee's, this reminded me a few years ago when I stopped at one just outside Chicago on the Indiana side. I asked if they had Roast Beef, which was Hardee's flagship menu item until Carl took them over. The clerk looked at me as if I had just impregnated her. Then I blew her mind to inquire for a biscuit. Oh well, I was shit out of luck

2. In-N-Out Burger
This place is a legend out west. They are famous for their simple menu. It features Burger, Cheeseburger, double patties, Fries, and drinks. No pussy salads, no faggy chicken choices, no sissy mexican-themed trendy shit, just beef and potatoes. This is a man's restaurant, the kind that would make asshole vegetarians like Jim Moriarity be forced to sit and eat nothing. There is a "secret" menu that floats around the internet which features special ways to prepare the burgers, and special toppings. Not for me, I like my burger just meat and bun. There are no sizes for fries, you just get a good helping with your burger for $1.75 more. The food was good, maybe not as legendary as the hype leads you to believe, but leaps and bounds over Ronnel, King, and The Christ.

3. Jack In The Box
Jack used to be out on the east coast, a long time ago, well before I was aware enough to eat there. Go ask your parents, they will probably have stories of eating Jack's tacos by the bagful for a dollar, or a blow job. Jack almost didn't make it, with the e-coli scare back in the 1990's. Many restaurants closed, and the company was on the verge of bankruptcy. Then Jack came back, and he became the first fast food place to ensure clean behind the scenes so the e-coli wouldn't happen again. Jack's burgers remind me of elementary school hamburgers, but in a good way. His fries are the kind that still has some of the skin on, and I like that in a fry. Jack has chicken strips, which are as close to the old school Friendly's that I have been able to find. The chicken strips Friendly's has now are dog food. The good ones were the thin, crunchy batter dipped ones that were sold prior to the current strips. Oh well, Jack rules all around. He also sells 2 tacos for $0.99, which would make Pedro Escobar one happy mexican! Jack's other selling point with me is his total disregard for the breakfast/lunch cutoff. I can get a Jumbo Jack at 8 AM, or a breakfast platter at 8 PM. Go Jack, I mean how many times have you walked into Ronnel at 10:15 and wanted lunch, but he forces those fucking hotcakes on you like nobody's business. On a side note, Jack is making a comeback, he has resurfaced in NC & SC, so maybe he is sliding his way back up the eastern seaboard. If we see Jack in NJ, I will masturbate in the drive-through speaker to celebrate.

4. Del Taco
If my Spanish serves me correctly, the translation becomes "Of The Taco." Not sure how that works, but this place sells more than tacos! There is a full menu of diarrhea-looking mexican dishes, the kind that you know will be sending you to the deucer blowing it up. They have burgers, and crinkle-cut fries, similar to the Castle's. The burgers are thin, so better make it a double to get some taste there. The fries are fresh and cooked to consistancy, which delivers a potatoey flavor that is not found in today's fast food dumps. The tacos are just around Taco Hell quality, which means adequate at best. Pedro could make better tacos blindfolded and on dope than Taco Hell can. But, for $0.59 I would lose money by not eating them. The good thing is how you can get a huge cup of fries for $1.79. Del Taco also throws that breakfast/lunch cutoff out the window just like my buddy Jack. I enjoyed a fine meal of Burgers, Tacos, and Fries with a Diet Coke at 9AM! The downside to Del Taco is their katsup. They use Hunt's katsup. If you don't really like katsup, or don't pay attention to it, you wouldn't notice. Hunts tastes like a diseased cunt compated to Heinz. Oh well, it wasn't all that bad, I still like the place. Next time, you might want to bring your own bottle of katsup if you want the true experience. Hell, bring a roll of 2-ply if you want to be adventureous and get a bean burrito with bacon and white shit or what have you. Open 24 hours, and provided many a meals for me.

5. Sonic, America's Drive-In
What can you say about Sonic! Anyone who travels, loves Sonic. Ask around, people know about it. Why are they the only fast food dump to sell tater tots and fries? Is it that hard to understand that people need variety in their life, and tater tots would provide an escape for many individuals. Sonic has it all, and I mean it all! Burgers, Chicken, Salads, Fish, Tots, and a bounty of drinks and desserts. You can get milkshakes, floats, blasts, and a cherry limeade with real cherries and limes that almost beats sex. Here is what sucks about Sonic if you never been there. You MUST eat in your car, because the theme is the old-school drive ins with carhops. You read the menu, press the red button, and place your order. Then 5 minutes later someone brings your food in bags to your car. You now have to eat like an asshole in your car, which pales in comparison to a fancy plastic dining room table. The food is so good, you suck it up and eat in your car just to eat it. Last check of the Sonic website states they are looking to franchise in the southern/central NJ area! Some investors should step up to the plate here and open some in the Ocean County area. You are guaranteed to make money here, the food IS that good at Sonic! In the summer, you could have hot broads bring your food in bras and panties, and call it Slutty Sonic. Guys would just pull in and order food only to throw it out just for the view. Oh well, Sonic is one of my favorites, even if fat men bring it to my car.

6. Shakey's (Ye-Old Pizza Parlor)
My first visit to Shakey was last year in Janesville, WI. Yes, the guy who founded it was really named Shakey. The Janesville location probably wasn't the best food, but I saw promise and read the reviews of others. Shakey is a blast from the past, like an old time english pub. The one in California was more modern, but still the same theme. Shakey is a pizza buffet, all the time. Lunch or supper, you get the buffet at a fair price. In addition to pizza, Shakey offers you garlic bread, mojo potatoes, full salad bar, macaroni, fried chicken, corn, veggies, and some other weird shit that I didn't touch. Mojo potatoes are a revelation, they are potatoes sliced and fried like a french fry, but round and/or oval. They taste good, and beat the pants off your standard fast food dump's fries. Some Shakey's have beer, and others have an ice cream machine, it varies. Just walk in there with your game face on, because you WILL battle the scum of society. When a fresh pizza goes up, or a new batch of Mojo potatoes the fat-asses come out of the woodwork. These fat fucks take the tables right next to the buffet, so they can watch when shit comes out. You have to do the hover around the buffet when you want something, so you can beat the fatties at their own game. They are too fat and lazy to stand and wait, so you will get first grabs before they put their fat fingers in there and contaminate the batch. If you don't see the pizza you want, you can request them to make it. Usually they will, and they will call you when it is done so you CAN get first stab. Most of the time by the time you get up there, all that's left is pineapple, avacado, and ejaculate pizza. So, it is good to hover and/or special request for your optimum Shakey experience. Even better is to get there at doors open (11AM) and get the close tables, so you can watch the new food coming out. Shakey has plans for national expansion, but interest isn't too popular among east coast investors.

7. Winchell's Doughnut House
Old man Winchell opened doughnut shops in Cali to raise money to buy race horses. Old man Winchell is long dead, but his shops prosper on the west coast. Winchell's is home to the Warm N' Fresh Doughnut. I guess it is a safe dance around the Krispy Kreme trademark. There is even a light that tells you when they are coming out of the oven, wow a new concept! The doughnuts are similar to Dunkin' Donuts where as they are a cake-based doughnut, unlike KK's that use yeast. Winchell's kills DD, and the shops are mainly older looking. The night we went there was a homeless guy wearing trash bags who entered as we were ordering. He entered, looked around, left, then came back in. He has a trash bag tied around his head, which was his makeshift hood. I wanted to scream Hefty, Hefty, Hefty, like on the Family Guy, but I was not in the mood to rumble. The bum just came in, and sat a table. Perhaps he was going to dine on doughnut crumbs from the floor and sweet & low packets. Good for him, but he knew not to ask me for change, since Rabbi's spend money more often than I do. Bottom line is Winchell's beats Dunkin in doughnuts, not coffee, but Dunkin Donuts really aren't west of the Mississippi river yet, so we will have to settle. On a side note, I hate Dunkin because of how they misspell the word "Doughnut". I hate those marketing grammar people who think it is cute. No, it is stupid, and only makes your company appear to be a bunch of idiots who can't find a dictionary.

Originally Posted: 15 February 2006

PART 2

Well, with another boring day stuck in Flagstaff, AZ I have made time to review more chain establishments that I have visited. I set out today to enjoy Jack in the Box once again, those Jumbo Jacks are addicting. As I approached the restaurant, I was suddenly turned off. No, it wasn't the health department, dirty conditions, or even spoiled food. There was some asshole who needed a haircut outside the place playing an acoustic guitar. Yes, right next to the entry door to Jack, here sat Mr. Guitar on the walkway. What kind of an asshole sits outside a fast food restaurant at high noon simply to play a fucking guitar? I am not sure if he wanted tips, or was hoping to get signed today as if the head of Universal Records would be eating at a fucking Jack in the Box in the middle of the desert. Sure, I could have passed into the door and ignored him, but why should my fine meal be ruined by having to hear this shit? So, with the whole afternoon to spare, I kept going to the next Jack about 2 miles up the road. I found another place to eat, and will save Jack for tomorrow. God help that kid if he is there tomorrow, because Reinhold and I both agreed it would be worth $100 to see someone smash that guitar over his head like that wrestler used to do. On with the reviews!

8. Fazoli's- Real Italian, Fast!
Or as so their slogan goes, real Italian fast! Hard to imagine Italians fresh off the boat in the kitchen of this place cooking authentic dishes of Italy for $7.00 an hour, but hey, stranger shit has happened. I have eaten here before, the place is exactly how you would think of a fast-paced Olive Garden. The interior has your standard beverage bar complete with flowers and other shit to make you think you are in Italy. Dishes consist of pizza, spaghetti, lasagna, and other favorites that you love. I have eaten the pizza, my traveling companion had the sampler, which she said was good. The pizza is decent, just around the quality you get from Olive Garden. The main reason to go here are the breadsticks, and how unlimited they are! They are soft and garlicy, kind of like Jim Moriarity's penis, well at least the soft part. They are better than OG's, they are fresh constantly and have an amazing balance of butter and garlic. As you wait for your number to be called, a schlep walks around to give out breadsticks, plus you get them with your meal, and you can walk back to the couter for as many as you want! Last sitting, I had 14 breasticks, and I was tempted to take some off another table since the family left. Bottom line here, if you are happy with Olive Garden, you will be happy at Fazoli's. Unless you are Mr. Italy, Vinny Crosta, you will agree the meal is worth your $6.

9. Steak and Shake
Picture the atmosphere of a clean Denny's (which might be non-existant in the US) combined with actually good food. No, there isn't actual steak there, but you get a steak burger, which is as good as it sounds. Steak and Shakes are in the midwest and North Carolina for some ungodly reason. The trash of NC should not get the priviledge of such a fine establishment, hell they should be happy with NASCAR burgers cooked out of a trash can. You can get a single, double, or triple steak burger, which is ground beef formed into patty form, but higher quality than a standard hamburger. You can do the cheese or bacon for toppings, but be sure to get at least a double since the patties are thin. Steakburgers aren't the half of this place, you get real shoestring french fries and real milkshakes. Not the kind that Ronnel has the balls to call a milkshake, but real ice cream and milk put through an actual blender! Fresh cut shoestrings compliment any meal, and they are fresh. You can almost smell the Idaho air with each bite. They are open 24 hours, and you can get breakfast or supper at any time of day. Prices are reasonable too, so if you come across a Steak and Shake, be sure to pull in!

10. El Pollo Loco
Senor Dave here breaks that translation down to The Crazy Chicken! Boy, this place sure is crazy. Who would think to combine a Mexican grill with KFC, and a Taco Hell to make one good restaurant? Their speciality is chicken, and the chickens are cooked over huge open grills that you can see from the counter. It is fresh, the chickens look as if they were clucking around yesterday in the parking lot. You can get your standard 2 piece meal with corn on the cob and french fries. Fries are standard fast food taste, but the corn tastes fresh too! Pre-buttered for your convenience, and wrapped in impossible to open yellow bags. Biscuits are missing here, and would have really made the meal. However, in leiu of biscuits, they have Churros! Yeah, the kind you get at Great Adventure, but these don't require you to break your fillings or take out a second mortgage to afford. You get two fresh cooked Churros for $0.99! Viva the savings! If two Churros for under a dollar does not get you hard, you need Viagara. There are other burrito-type meals, but the menu revolves around the fresh chicken, as it should. I am not a chicken kind of guy, when I go to The Colonel or wherever, I get the strips or popcorn chicken. These whole chicken pieces really tasted good, I was surprised how good chicken can taste when it isn't over-processed to hell to mold into a strip or popcorn form.

11. Sizzler
Sizzlers used to be everywhere in NJ. There were Sizzler steakhouses in Brick, Howell, Eatontown, and all over NJ. Sizzler used to be good and popular back in the 1970's and early 1980's. That was when people ate meat and steak, not the faggy vegetarian crap places serve these days. Steakhouses were all the rage back then, we had Ponderosas, Bonanzas, and Sizzlers. All were dark, and were western-themed. They ruled, and I still remember the Ponderosa in the mall, and the Bonanza where Tiffany's is today. You took your tray, walked down a long hallway, and stared at pictures of perfectly-cooked steaks. You ordered your size and how you wanted it cooked. The best part of these places were how you got the salad/buffet bar with your meal. You could have a little girly lettuce, or move for some tacos, potato halves, or rolls as you wait for your delicious steak to arrive. Sure, there might have been a token chicken dish, or something to satisfy broads and vegetarians, but who payed attention to it because being vegetarian wasn't cool back then. If you (Jim Moriarity) walked into a Ponderosa and ordered chicken or just the salad bar in 1984, the manager would bring out a live steer from the back and have you perform anal sex on the animal for being such a pansy. Oh well, those days, much like my love life, are gone forever. We decided to re-visit a Sizzler out in California just to see what has changed. Prices are higher, but the concept has not changed. I ordered my steak, and took to the buffet/salad area to scout out some pre-steak food. There were no potato wedges and no corn fritters, which almost brought a tear to my eye. You call this a Sizzler? I wanted to kick the manager in the crotch for such a lack of food choices. The rolls were fresh, and the giant vat of whipped butter spread over my rolls like it was going out of style. The steak was a little dissapointing. It was not cooked a full medium, and I didn't have the balls to send it back to have a bunch of $3.00/ hour mexicans spit and rub one out on it. Come to mention, that might have helped the flavor of this overpriced hunk of meat, which used to be my nickname in college. If there was a basketball hoop outside, I would have dribbled my steak there to shoot three pointers. Well, Sizzler isn't once the mighty player in the steak field that she used to be. I still haven't found a better chain steak dump than Longhorns. Oh well, I ate my $20 worth in self-serve ice cream to make up for the sub-par steak. Sizzlers can sizzle out of my life if this is how they are going to feed me.

12. Long John Silver's (LJS)
I fucking hate fish and seafood. I hate the smell of it, I hate the look of it, and I hate the taste of it. I even am scared that crabs will bite my ball bag when I am in the ocean. So, what the hell would I be doing in a fast-food fish place? The answer lies in Chicken Planks and hush puppies. Long John Silver's has these chicken strips that are named Chicken Planks. Yeah, fish, boats, planks, you get the dry humor here. The plank is a larger cut of chicken strip, which is batter fried. Not many places batter fry stuff, but they use the same crispy batter for their fish planks. The chicken itself is not very flavorful, but it doesn't have to be with the award-winning taste of the coating. You also get fries, which are nothing special, and hush puppies. Hush puppies are hard to explain, you just have to eat one to understand. It is the kind of thing that either you love or hate, and you will know it right away. They are about the size of a munchkin, and feature a spicy cornbread kind of dough in the middle of a fried outer covering. Truly a gem in this sea of boring fast food fries and mozzarella sticks. You can get corn on the cob, two for $1.29, and I could not pass up such a value. The corn comes hot, but without butter. In the bottom of the basket of chicken/fish planks that you get, LJS leaves some crunchy scraping things. It sounds gross, but they aren't. Imagine cleaning out the bottom of a fryer, and all the little scraps left they put in the bottom of your basket. A wonderful idea, and a good way to save on wasted food. This particluar Long John's was co-branded with a Taco Hell, so I had to look and smell that dog food. I guess a more adventureous individual could make a fish/shrimp/bean burrito that would give you the shits for a week. Not for me, I have my own digestive problems getting the fryer scrapings down without heart pains. Long John Silver's exists in parts of the country with no access to fresh seafood, hence none in NJ. There might be a few co-branded spots out on Route 130 in Burlington County, since normal people wouldn't eat seafood out of the Delaware river. If you are a seafood person and live in NJ, I am sure frozen, fast food seafood would not meet your fancy. The hush puppies and chicken planks are worth a stop if you come across one. Ahoy mates!

13. Golden Corral
Oh my, what can I say about the Corral? If given the choice for a Golden Corral in Toms River, NJ or sex with hot broads, I might have to choose the former. For a minute, think variety (not quality) of Old Country Hellhole combined with a real steakhouse, that is just the tip of the Golden Corral. It is a buffet restaurant, with a steakhouse in the buffet! You get steak, as many as you can eat, along with all the other food for under $10. Now, this isn't your standard asshole steak, these are real cuts of beef cooked on a real grill right in front of you. Fair warning, use the lesson you learned in my Shakey's review, and do the hover around the steak area. Fat asses here will smell a fresh batch of steak put into the tray from clear across Iowa. The Corral also has every other kind of food you could think of on their buffet. Plus, a real bakery that makes fresh rolls and cookies. As part of your dining experience, the waitstaff brings out honey-buttered rolls to your table, which might just be the best kind roll ever baked. The food is surprisingly good, not what you would expect from a $10 buffet place. Breakfast buffet is served on weekends, but I have yet to experience it, however I have heard it is just as good as supper. Now, for dessert, you get your choice of fresh cookies and pies and what not. But, the gold lies in the soft serve ice cream machine. They have orange and vanilla twist in the machine, the kind you get on the boardwalk that costs you $30 for a small cone. They should have tissues in the men's room so you can masturbate after the meal. Yeah, the Corral is that fucking good!

Originally Posted: 16 February 2006